:: Out of Spite, Out of Mind ::

:: Saturday, September 14, 2002 ::

Bitterness: it is in my nature. It was brought to my attention that I am "bitter, but I don't take it to the next level."

The next level? Being an asshole. Butt...

I am too spineless to act out my bitter fantasies...so I will keep them locked up with the tiger... (dumt..........dumtdumtdumt...........dumtdumtdumt..............dum-dum-DAHHHHH!!!)
THE EYE OF THE TIIIIIIIIIIGERRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! Guitaaar!!!

Why am I so bitter? It's not only for myself, it's for all the people I care about who've been severly disrespected, deceived, scammed. Pisses me of "Doubly" when the victim is someone close to me. I gotta be careful...it's this little marble of dissapointment that's been snowballing for the past couple of years, and now it is a titanic boulder...collecting momentum...careening down the hills of my mind...knocking the shit out of every fake/happy thought I have. Little cutesy, bunny thoughts being bowled over and flattened. I am thinking of scheduling a cathartic meltdown... I will notify you all of the time and place of this so you can witness it. I will be charging a $7 dollar cover and be serving refreshments. People love this kind of shit. I will not dissapoint.
Damn, I just typed some more stuff but erased it- it's TBFB. Too Bitter For Blogger. Like those damn $19.99 videotapes you can buy -"too hott for tv!" Maybe I can charge people a fee to witness my extreme bitterness. Exposing this side of myself would shatter the facade and hurt the members of my fan club... so you will have to use your imagination.

I want to be a hero for the heartbroken, the pied piper leading an armada of bitter little mangy dissed off rodents. We are coming to your town for vengeance, drenching every deserving offender with piss-filled balloons. We are young, angry and right.

Future topic: Being the Pawn.

:: Ol Man Factory 9/14/2002 03:34:00 PM [+] ::
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I'm afraid the psuedo-optimism of this morning's post has gone the way of Winona Ryder's credibilty and innocence. Wow, I had no idea it was such an unholy day today- a holiday in some countries... At first I was convinced it was LFWG day. (Let's Fuck With Goh Day) but then I looked at the calender and what do ya know: Friday the 13th.
It started off ok, a little hungover but then from 5-7 (it's 7pm now) it seemed like I was dodging bullets non-stop. Bullets with my name written on them, vengeful bullets. Bad thoughts richocheting around my head uncontrollably, boomerangs of stupid shit I've done and said in the past coming back for the payback.

2 Friday the 13th curses:

Mission street @ (don't remember the cross streets): I curse thee with all the piss and vinegar I can muster. I will avoid you at all costs.
Whiskey: You backstabbing "friend". Making promises you can't keep... punishment- I will piss you out to die on Mission Street somewhere. Thanks for the few hours of delusion.

Off to the bloodletting.

:: Ol Man Factory 9/13/2002 07:19:00 PM [+] ::
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A few things: Apologies for the utter lack of hope and decency in the last entry, reading it in hindight inspires a violent patriachal urge to smack some sense into the pitiful shmuck/half-man/bastion of weakness that wrote it. Hopefully this guy will get a clue and not return... just ignore him if he does.

Onward.

things on the mind:
1) poverty- it's official. To celebrate, I did what any poor man would do. I drank some whiskey.
2) yoga- my goal is to be able to see my own ass without using a mirror. both cheeks. Oh shit, the whiskey speaks again... hush whiskey, hush.
3) Self affirmations: I am an arrogant prick, I think I have a spine, I'm a good guy and people like me. People LIKE me. People like ME. People like me should take a good look at themselves. Then cry uncontrollably.
4) Miho Kanno
5) Time/timing, and my utter disrespect for it. I will be punished- I can feel it coming. It's gonna be brutal. More whiskey, double vision gone...need the blurry blurry to go on...

:: Ol Man Factory 9/13/2002 10:57:00 AM [+] ::
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Rhetorical Questions: Is this a world that I want to bring a child into?
More importantly, is this a world in which I can survive?

I'm gonna come out and say it- I'm fucking scared. Of a lot of things.
I can't hide it.
Petrified that there's gonna be war- it's inevitable... nobody seems to care.

The ultra-Patriotism is starting to sickening me...I mean, it's cool to be Proud and American- but enough is enough. Nervous, overzealous flag waving to numb the pain and rile everyone up for blood. I don't feel authorized to write about this stuff, because I am just as ignorant as the masses- more caught up (and disgusted by) American Idol than reality.

Scared for myself, scared for my dad. I look at his face and he is heartbroken. Someone kindly pointed out that I am a big part of the reason, and the thing that is killing me is that I know it is true. Standing in a crowd at a festive occasion last week, I realized I am heartbroken too, and I can't hide it either.

:: Ol Man Factory 9/10/2002 06:33:00 PM [+] ::
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